Allright kids, it's time to gather around for Drooling Maniac's Heavy Metal Concert Story Time. Are we all tucked in and ready?
I was working one day when one of buddies stopped by to tell me some GREAT NEWS... Megadeth was coming to town and SOON. I had never seen them live, and by this time, the old school Heavy Metal era was way past its prime (but NEVER in my heart - sniff). I was shocked to hear that they were still playing gigs, or still able to toss their big hair around without the use of buckets of BenGay.
I HAD to buy tickets... but they were not playing in a big stadium or anything even close. They were booked to play in an old renovated movie theatre that was located downtown. Nothing says MOSH more than rocking out at historical landmarks run by old lady volunteers. And this is oh so true... I shit you not (as you will see in a minute).
The big day arrived. I was sufficiently pumped, practicing all week banging my head against a wall of ground up glass and razor blades (cuz I'm Bad Ass, and THATS what Metal is about, baby). When we arrived, we went to our seats. It was very strange because the theatre is OLD... like Vaudeville shows probably played there kind of old. It had been restored to its past gaudy, bright-color painted, overly decorative glory (with super cheesy sculptures of goddesses and cherubs everywhere). If you looked up, the ceiling even had a fake starscape with clouds that actually moved across it. I tell you, if you were ever stoned and sat there listening to some Pink Floyd "Dark Side of the Moon" while watching those damn clouds move around, your mind would EXPLODE. To boil it neatly down for you, the theatre sort of feels like a Vegas casino without the hookers or gambling.
Anyhoo, the place was literally run by volunteers. You could see them EVERYWHERE, standing around in their bright red blazers. And not one of them looked to be younger than 90 years old.
The show started. A couple opening acts came out, sufficiently getting us juiced for the Deth that is o-so Mega. Finally, Megadeth comes out and they start jamming metal right up our asses 80's style.
There was a dude in front of us that was "That Guy". You probably know "That Guy". This is the old guy at any concert that is trying everything in his power to never grow up. Even though he looks like he may well be in his early to mid fourties, he is still sporting the mullet, leather jacket, skull tattoos, and wearing the band's t-shirt. The concept of "That Guy" is not new (or created by me) by any means. He has been around forever and he is woven into the very fabric of society. I'm sure if you went back in time to a Mozart Recital or back even further to a Neanderthal Yodel To Appease The Big Sky Fire Gathering, you would still see "That Guy". But I digress.
He was drunk. Severely drunk, with two beers sloshing about (one each hand). It looked like he was with two rather trashy used-to-be-good-looking-twenty-years-ago but now are total-snasty-skanks-missing-half-of-their-teeth-assuredly-with-some-type-of-VD-and-bad-cases-of-halitosis. He was trying to be Billy Big Balls, climbing up on his seat, jumping up and down like a lobotomized kangaroo, trying to impress these women by his annoying escapades. He kept jumping up....and down...up....and down. Which did suck, because everyone behind him had to do the concert bob-around to see past that asshole.
I guess FINALLY enough-was-enough. I saw a red blazer come waddling down towards us. It was one of the cute little old ladies that looked like somebody's grandma. She stopped over at his row and barely whispered over the crowd,"Excuse me sir... you have to get off your seat please."
His most gentlemanly response was..."FUCK YOU!!! FUCK YOU OLD LADY!!! YOUR OLD!!! WOOOOOOO!!! FUCK YOU!!! Come over and MAKE ME!!! WOOOOOO!!! FUCK YOU!!!"
And the old lady almost started to cry. I felt bad for her. But then I saw her moving her hands around... and from the back of the theatre, I saw them. A whole group of old ladies come down. Seems like "That Guy" got an ego boost beating on one of them. But NOW... there was Old Lady Hell To Pay.
The gaggle of red blazers came down, swarmed over him, and dragged his ass away kicking, screaming, and WOOOOHOOOO-FUCKYOUing. I am assuming that they kicked him out. But I have an odd feeling that someone is going to find his dead body one day bricked up behind one of the theatre's walls.
It was one of the most surreal things I have ever seen in my life. Megadeth playing at a historical theatre while the ultimate Metal Mulletman Moron gets his ass handed to him by grandma. I laughed until I almost wet myself. It was truly a great concert.
MORAL OF THE STORY: Don't fuck with Grandma when she gots her peeps as back-up.
