Come one, come all. Bring your mom, dad, sister, brother, grandma, grandpa, aunt, uncle, cousin, second-cousin, that really hot third-cousin of yours that made you wonder if it was against the law or morally wrong to get all nasty with a third-cousin, that kid that kept wanting to hang out with you in highschool even though he annoyed the hell out of you, HELL -- bring EVERYONE YOU HAVE EVER KNOWN IN YOUR ENTIRE LIFE to the biggest, baddest, and most well-balanced two-wheeled event of a LIFETIME-TIME-TIME-TIME!!!
This Sunday -- Sunday -- SUNDAY!!! -- only at OscarMyerWeiner Stadium. Do NOT miss the thrills, chills, and MORE THRILLS (with the possibility of some sorry spills, signing of wills, breathing with gills and cooking with grills) of the one, the only "MONSTER SEGWAY EX-EX-EXTRAVAGANZA"
WATCH IN WONDER... at the heart stopping stunts of Mrs. Janice Boddlewoddum as she attempts to PUSH HER SEGWAY TO THE LIMIT by CRUSHING 15 cars in the parking lot and SMASHING a series of old soup cans that refuse to open even after you tried feeding them through that piece of shit electric can opener that your parents had given to you as one of the lamest Christmas presents ever.
GOGGLE IN GAIETY... as Ms. Abigail Haggleman races her Segway up the ramp of DOOM and leaps through the air CRASHING through 12 rows of burning barbwire and finally smashing into the audience in a FIERY BLAZE.
HORK IN HORROR... As Ms. Francis Gloop, a 340 lb. widow from Albuquerque, dons one of those butt-floss bathing suits and rolls around the arena at a brisk 1.6 miles an hour while rubbing cocoa butter on the prominent and swollen Vericose Veins that are spidered throughout her legs and inner thighs. Around and around in a circle. Just circling and circling and rubbing and rubbing and circling and circling and... HORK!!!!
STARE IN SHOCK... at your wallet after realizing that all the money you had is now GONE, sucked away towards buying a $14.00 hot dog, $32 nacho platter containing 6 nachos and a dribbling of fake cheese, and 10 beers costing at least $26.50 a bottle (Busch and Milwaukee's Beast are the only brands available).