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> Tangent #59: Bulges For Men
I went past a "Curves" yesterday while I was driving my wife over to the local ice cream stand to pick up some tasty fattening frozen goodness that she was super jonesin' for (which is almost everyday once the snow melts and the sun start appearing again).

For those of you who are unfamiliar with "Curves", the company is in the fitness franchise that caters directly to females. It is a weight-loss program created entirely for woman.

No MEN here... nope. It is a place where women can go and feel free from the horny oglings and droolings of men as they take turns moaning, groaning, and sweating it up on the rowing machines. Together, the ladies stand strong and they will make a difference. Girl Power!!!

...and then after a long, strenuous work-out, they all shower together and start making out and... oh... wait... sorry... got confused between reality and my dreams... let's continue.

Anyway, I give them props for that. It is good that women can have a place of their own to go. This is not the beef I have with "Curves". No, let the females have their freedom. This is AMERICA dammit, so let them gather together if they want.

The problem I have is that "Curves International" does not have a MENS ONLY version. How unfair is THAT? You can't have a Girls Only Club without us Men getting all jealous.

So I propose that "Curves International" should start the MENS ONLY version and call it...

...BULGES!!!

It is only fair and it just makes sense. How many times do I go to workout and feel all uncomfortable when hot women are watching me and swooning while I do crunches as the sweat trickles down my rock hard six pack abs?

Well, the answer is none. The question wasn't rhetorical. I don't work out. Mainly because I am lazy. The other reason is because the hot chicks would probably mock and ridicule me as my manboobs flop around and smack me in the face as I begin to weeze, hack, and ultimately throw up all over myself before I even START.

BULGES should be set-up not only for MEN, it should cater directly to sad, pathetic, GEEKY men. The last thing I want is Conan the Steroid Boy in the corner bench pressing an onyx black 2002 Chevrolet Camaro Z28 while I am barely able to lift the bar two inches with NO weight on it at all.

That is, unless they have a therapist on board that will deal with the extreme bouts of low-self esteem caused by this. There will be lots of weeping involved. Oh yes. Lots.

So, let us keep BULGES for the meekboys, weekboys, and geekboys like myself. I figure instead of having actual confusing workout contraptions that I despise, we can just use a Nintendo Wii. Shit, after playing boxing on the Wii, I know I am about ready to have a heart attack.

I can see the regimen now.

  • 5 minute warm-up with Petz Catz 2
  • 10 minutes of Showtime Championship Boxing
  • 15 minutes of AMF Bowling Pinbusters
  • 5 minute slow-down with Chickenshoot
  • 10 minutes of Ninja Reflex
  • 15 minutes of Destroy All Humans Big Willy Unleashed
  • ...and then another 5 minute wind-down of Sega Bass Fishing
After the 1 hour (and 5 minute) workout session, I would be WASTED. You figure, there can be other systematic plans beyond the first regimen as well. Hell, I may even be able to work myself up to Mariokart or Super Smash Bros. Brawl. Imagine all the chicks I would get by then. I would be a buff geek GOD!!! Screw you ConanBoy, I can work the controllers like no tomorrow.

That is my idea. It is a GREAT idea. I can't wait to see it come into being. Everybody reading this should PLEASE write their local "Curves" and ask for this to happen. If we come together, we can make BULGES into a reality. Geek Power!!!