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> Tangent #57: Beware Of Flagger
Whenever I see this sign on the street, road, highway, byway, triway or my-way, I have always automatically assumed that it stood for "Flagger Is Ahead" and to "Use Caution". As we all probably know by now, the "flagger" is the lucky highly trained individual whose job it is to stand in the middle of the street during road construction and wave a tiny flag at cars, forcing them to stop for hours and wait while 13 guys in hard hats drink coffee and stare at a hole that one guy is digging using a tattered dixie cup.

The flagger's demeanor is typically that of someone just coming out of a five year coma and trying to figure out just where they hell they are. They generally have the look of someone hating their life as they stand in the rain, flipping their flags around, quickly talking on a walky-talky, then taking a nap for half-an-hour while all the stopped cars get PISSED because they are now going to be late for work while flagboy snoozes.

Now if I were out there, I would have to liven things up a bit. I would need TWO flags and would start jumping up and down like a madman, waving the flags around like a spaz, shaking those cloth signals like they were babies, doing "Bring It On" cheerleading routines, and then attempting to do a split which ends quite poorly for everyone involved.

After studying the sign above, I NOW realize that my assumption was incorrect. This sign has nothing to do with flaggers at all. Here are some thoughts of the signs mysterious true meanings:

  • Caution: David Copperfied ahead using MAGIC to levitate box
  • Caution: Luke Skywalker ahead using the FORCE to levitate box
  • Caution: The Invisible Man has taken a job as the UPS guy and is delivering a box to man who is slightly retarded and likes to wave to everybody ALL THE TIME, saying "Hi, I like cheese. Want to be my friend?"
  • Beware: Irate man ahead who has been trying to figure out a Rubik's Cube for the past 3 hours then throwing it a fit of rage at the nearest smart-ass who says "Hey, nice Rubick's Cube. Get out of the '80s much."
  • Warning: Brad Pitt's character Detective David Mills from the movie Seven (1995) laying on the ground passed out from shock after looking in the box containing his wife's' head (which is laying beside him)
  • Watch Out: Person stuck in giant life-size PONG game is returning serve.
Well, those are a couple ideas. Which one is the correct one? THAT, my friend, is the real question.