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> Tangent #54: Texas Takes Miss USA
Now here is a further glimpse into how my mind works. I have personally been trying to figure out how the HELL it works for quite some time and STILL don't know.

Yesterday, the Miss USA pageant was on television. Both my wife and I watched the first 10 minutes, where all the girls would come out in small well-dressed gaggles. Each contestant would then step forward for a whorey shot (er... I meant glory shot) as an announcer who must have been raised on a cheese farm belted out her name in an almost manic shout.

Each girl struts out, looks at the camera, smiles, winks, wiggles her boobs, tries to falsely promise you (the watcher) sex with her face if she wins, and DONE!!! That is all I can take of beauty pageants. Hell, that's all I need to see really. Who cares if the girl can play the violin, can juggle flaming puppies, or has made it her life goal to feed all the starving children of Beverly Hills.

Basically, it comes down to "DAMN, she's SMOKIN' HOT. I wouldn't mind bending her over and..."

...and then I would be kicked by my wife while she calls me a "PERV" and pouts because I was saying this out loud.

I would go through each contestant as she came up and smiled and would generally give a quick remark such as:

  • Ewwww... ugly.
  • Snasty. I would'nt touch that.
  • Eh. Allright.
  • Maybe.
  • Maybe if I was drunk.
  • Not bad.
  • Ooooh, hello.
  • Damn.
  • Holy Shit. She is FINE.
  • Oooh, what I wouldn't do to **** her *** and then *** her *** while I ***.
The last one I kept open because this is the Most Holy "Giant Pervert" comment that I would make. Once I saw a contestant that was WAY HOT, I would then try to make the most RUDE, FOUL, NASTY, and just plain NOT RIGHT comment that I could think of.

If I got kicked by my wife as we laid on the couch watching it, then I had made a "winning" comment.

Mind you, my wife and I have been together for a loooooong time. When it comes to my daily perverse ramblings, she has built up a wall around herself that dwarfs the Great Wall Of China. It used to be that I could gross her out or get a rise out of her fairly easy when we started going out. Now, almost every creative grossity I throw at her just ricochets off that wall without even phasing her.

So.... if I finally get a "Echhh, you're a pig. What the hell is wrong with you." from her, then my job is done. It may easily take upwards to 50 of the most raunchy comments know to man that vomits from my mouth before just 1 for some reason gets catapulted over that wall and smashes into that little village of decency that has been protected so well.

When I know a comment is going over those defenses and I can here it hit home, then... BOOM.... no better feeling in the world. I know. Weird relationship. But it works.

Believe it or not, the entire ramble is really just an intro concerning what I really wanted to talk about. So... here it goes (before I continue rambling some more).

When I was on Yahoo today, I saw the following on the Featured Item.

The title "Texas takes Miss USA" seemed hysterical to me for some reason. It took me about two seconds to come up with the following CRAZY news items based off it:

  • In National News today, the entire state of Texas has decided to mass together and storm the Planet Hollywood Resort and Casino in Las Vegas during the Miss USA 2008 pageant being held there. Over 23.9 Million Texans stormed the casino on the evening of April 11th, screaming their rallying cry "Remember the Alamo".

    The first casualties of the conflict were the adored brother and sister duo Donny and Marie Osmond who were in the midst of hosting the show. Oddly enough, they were not killed by the Texan Mob, instead they were torn apart and devoured by starving contestants who had not eaten in over a month trying to keep their weight down for the competition.

    Samuel L. Jackson and Kevin Spacey have been brought in by Las Vegas police to act as Negotiators during this time of crisis. Texas wants to immediately secede the casino from the United States and create it's own country of "KickAssEs". In a side note, Heavy Metal singer Ozzy Osbourne was arrested for urinating on the outside of the casino after drinking way to much and snorting ants.
  • We apologize for breaking into the program you are currently watching. We have just received news that there is an Amber Alert out on the new Miss USA 2008, Crystle Stewart, 26. It seems that the young lady was kidnapped almost immediately after the crowning ceremony. It looks as if the entire state of Texas has taken responsibility for this. Texas Governor Rick Perry gave Geraldo Rivera a brief over-the-phone interview a few hours ago, saying "Hell yeah we took her. We're Texas. What are you gonna do about it? Yeah, didn't think so. She belongs to us now. YEEEEEHAAAAA!!!". If you happen to be visiting Texas and come across the whereabouts of Crystle Stewart, please call the Emergency Hotline that has been set up at: 1-800-CRY-STLE. The Miss USA Pageant is offering a $23.00 reward and a coupon for a free Mocha-Choke-A Latta drink at Starbucks for any information that may help in returning her safely. They are willing to up the reward to $28.00 (no coupon) if she is found in one piece.