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> Tangent #50: BSN News: Heavy Metal Deodorant
The Gillete Company (who develops and manufactures blades and razors, toiletries and cosmetics, stationery products, not-so-stationary products, electric shavers, electric eel shavers, small household appliances, and nose hair extensions) has revealed to the crack team of reporters here at BSN News that after years of gruelling scientific research, the most KICK ASS HEAVY METAL DEODORANT KNOWN TO MAN will finally be available to the public.

We are proud to present the very first product shot of Ronnie James DIO-dorant. Why have pits that stink when you can have the PITS OF HELL!!!

All of us at BSN have been given the privilege of being the first consumers to slather this product all over our stanky pits, and sure enough -- we all now smell like a molten lake of Fire and Brimstone. No more silly slothy stink for us. This product WORKS!!!

The top Marketing Analysts of the nation have already announced that they believe the Ronnie James DIO-dorant product will quickly blow away ALL competition in the antiperspirants arena when it finally ships to stores throughout the world.

"The reason this product works so well", states Gil Lette (founder of the company), "is that this product was not tested on rabbits, small chimps, or the homeless like we usually do with all our other products."

"THIS product was tested on Ronnie James Dio himself, one of the world's greatest METAL SINGERS to have ever lived. We had scientists and researchers around the clock smearing test samples on Mr. Dio when he was not looking. While this tactic was VERY slow and time-consuming since we had to sneak quietly past body guards and break into his house at night while he was sleeping, the results could NOT have been better. It was well worth the almost three decades (and the unfortunate accidental deaths of 5 members of our SSOD* team) it took to complete the process."

"The key ingredient, we found, was actually Dio. We began cloning Mr. Dio back in 1975 during his run with Ritchie Blackmore's Rainbow. Over 42 Dio clones were raised in kind and caring foster homes. They were given the best educations that could be afforded and were loved by family and friends alike. When they turned 23, we would then track them down and grind them into a paste that was then mixed with other secret antiperspirant additives."

"By smearing different concoctions of his own clones on him, we were finally able to come up with just the right mixture based on the series of Dio tests."

"Our motto here at Gillete is 'The Best a Man Can Get' and we can now say that we stand by this 110% with our new Ronnie James DIO-dorant. Buy some!!! Please!!! Really, if you don't that would... that would suck real bad... Please..."

* Smear Stuff On Dio team. A highly trained group of individuals well-versed in smear tactics.