< Prev         Random Page         Next >
> Tangent #49: Two And A Half Men
Due to the on-going Writer's Strike of 2008, the scheduling gurus of all major Television Networks have been scrambling to put ANYTHING on television to fill the empty space where new television shows were typically found to entertain the American Masses.

Yes, the Networks have opted to fill this vacuum of time with the mud of super crappy Reality Television Shows, vomiting this drudgery all over the airwaves to hopefully Bondo those empty holes. These shows unfortunately only fill a small percentage of the viewing HUNGER that the watchers of the Almighty Glowing Tube have. It is a proven and scientific fact that a vast majority of the population needs a constant diet of scripted and contrived Sit-coms in order to survive their everyday lives without going postal.

While rerunning current shows had satiated that hunger for a bit, viewers started getting antsy to see something NEW! Something they have not seen before. The Television Networks suddenly found themselves in a conundrum. How could they show something NEW when nothing NEW had been created for MONTHS since the Writer's refused to work until their demands were met?

One Network -- CBS -- stumbled upon a rather grand idea - showing old Pilot Episodes that had NEVER been aired. There are literally thousands of shelved Pilots that had never seen the light of day. Even better, most shows that currently reside in the Network's Prime Time line-up have Pilot Episodes, Pre-Pilot Episodes, Pre-Pre-Pilot Episodes, and Animatic Ideas For Camera Shots that had been doodled on bar napkins of which the public had never been given the OPPORTUNITY to view. In fact, the entire first season of Everybody Loves Raymond was scripted and doodled out on a hooker's ass on September 14th, 2003.

Most of these Pre-Pilot episodes were actually MUCH different than the versions currently seen on television. Characters and plots were greatly modified after going through the rather intensive audience studies. Most Pre-Pilots have some semblance to their modified versions that finally hit the air after the producers did their snip and cut, modifying and transmogrifying them into fantastically bland visions lacking of all original creativity that they may have had during their original conception.

One such show was "Two and a Half Men". The current plotline is based on the character Charles "Charlie" Francis Harper, a jingle writing ladies man played by Charlie Sheen, suddenly finding himself stuck living with his rather prudish bad-luck ridden brother Alan, played by John Cryer. More wackiness ensues when Alan's son Jacob "Jake" has to live with this rather Odd Couple of brothers.

THE ORIGINAL PRE-PILOT EPISODE however, was slightly different. While some thought that the "And A Half Men" was referencing the introduction of Alan's young son into the wacky brother mix, the name ACTUALLY comes from the original plotline and line-up that can be seen in the Unaired Pre-Pilot Episode that now has been dusted off and will be shown next week.

The ORIGINAL CONCEPT seen on the Pre-Pilot Episode focuses on the character Charles "Charlie" Francis Harper, a jingle writing ladies man played by Charlie Sheen, suddenly finding himself stuck living with his rather prudish bad-luck ridden brother Alan, played by John Cryer. More wackiness ensues when a Undead Zombie named "Aarghhaablaaahhhhh" moves in to help pay the bills. Though he has been sliced in half during a rather nasty tiff with a chainsaw wielding S-Mart Employee during the time of the Great Zombie Uprising, this zombie only wants to get back to the basics of life: working, paying the bills, having fun with his friends, and eating brains.

What follows is a portion of the original Pre-Pilot Episode script:
[The supermarket. Alan and Charlie are walking together with the trolley. Aarghhaablaaahhhhh crawls merrily along in front.]

Alan: I am not comfortable with this. I mean, maybe I should go wait in the car.

Charlie: You're not waiting in the car. Trust me, this is a great way to meet women.

Aarghhaablaaahhhhh: Brains!

Alan: I don't want to meet women, I'm still married.

Charlie: Come on, your wife's out meeting chicks, why shouldn't you?

[Aarghhaablaaahhhhh sings the I Love Brains song (which is more of a grunt, grumble, and slobber) and a woman opposite notices. She has very short shorts on, and long legs. She smiles.]

Woman: Your Zombie is just adorable.

Alan: Thank you.

Aarghhaablaaahhhhh: Brains! BRAINS!!!

Woman: You and your... [notices Charlie] life partner must be so proud. [She walks off]

Charlie: You're right. Go wait in the car.

Aarghhaablaaahhhhh: BRAINS!!!! BRAINS!!!!! BRAINS!!!!

[Aarghhaablaaahhhhh lunges at woman. Crawls up her rather voluptuous body. And begins munching on her brains. She scream and screams and screams. Rather annoyed shoppers navigate around them.]

Supermarket Employee (over speaker): Clean-up Aisle 3. Clean-up Aisle 3.

Charlie and Alan together: Zombieeeeeeee!!!!!

Aarghhaablaaahhhhh: BlahgarablahaBLAHHHHHH!!! (with a "Did-I-Do-That Shrugh")

[Characters freeze frame as credits begin to roll.]