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> Tangent #43: Teleporter Accident #3 - Marnold Monroezenegger
I often wake up at night in a cold sweat, shivering from a recurring nightmare that has plagued me since I was a little boy. What HORRIBLE imagery dancing in my delicate dreamscape is SO BAD that it literally bursts me out of my sleeping slumber -- leaving me sobbing in my own piddle in a puddle accumulated on my rubber sheets.

The nightmares spawn from the anxiety and worry that I have every waking hour of my life, fixating on the fact that the creation of THE HORROR THAT SHOULD NOT BE must NOT occur and I MUST STOP IT AT ALL COST.

When I attempt to focus on getting projects done at work, I instead think only of THE HORROR THAT SHOULD NOT BE!

When I watch television, no matter how intriguing Telemundo may be that day, I think only of THE HORROR THAT SHOULD NOT BE!!!

When I am learning new headspins during my weekly Breakdancin' To The Oldies class at the local Curves, I think only of THE HORROR THAT SHOULD NOT BE!!!

...and the HORROR IS...

I always wonder what it would be like if Arnold Schwarzenegger got into a time machine, zoomed back a few decades, and accidently stumbled into Marilyn Monroe and fell into a mad scientist's teleporter. The teleporter goes off, their atoms combine into one entity, and this hideous creature shoots out at the other end.

Ladies and gentlemen - you can try to divert your eyes, but it is already TOO LATE -- for the HORROR THAT SHOULD NOT BE now shambles towards you, destroying your very sanity with merely a glance. I present to you... Marnold Monroezenegger.

May God have pity on our souls. We must make EVERY attempt to stop this event from ever occuring. That is why I am now establishing the MSASAMMNCIAHBF Foundation (also known by its full name: the Making Sure Arnold Shwarzenegger And Marilyn Monroe Never Combine Into A Hideous Beast Foundation).

For merely pennies a day, you can say SCREW IT to feeding that poor starving child in a country you never even heard of and you can INSTEAD GIVE to ME. I will take that money and make every effort on my part to make sure that Arnold never gets a chance to make that leap through time.

Trust me. Just you watch. Because of my constant tireless efforts and through your support, this will NEVER happen. So please give, and give a LOT. It's pretty damn expensive doin' this kinda thing don't you know.