At exactly 3:40 p.m., the actor George Hamilton -- whose work as Zorro The Gay Blade rocketed him to super stardom and whose long time run in the Guinness Book of World Records for being the tannest and orangest man to have ever lived made him into a legend -- has finally turned into a Human Dorito.
The unfortunate, yet not unexpected incident occurred poolside at Kaching's Gambling Resort and Pizzeria in Las Vegas where he had been spending a relaxed vacation tanning and trying to recover after injuries that occurred during a rather brutal commercial shoot for Pita Thins Toasted Chips.
Let's go now to our on-the-spot reporter Giddy Fenkleman, who is LIVE at Kaching's with a witness.
GIDDY FENKLEMAN: Giddy here, coming to you LIVE from the pool at Kaching's, where George Hamilton has OFFICIALLY been confirmed to have turned into a DORITO.
WITNESS: No... not a Dorito. A human Dorito..
GIDDY FENKLEMAN: ...a HUMAN DORITO. The man standing here beside me...
WITNESS: ... I'm Bill...
GIDDY FENKLEMAN: ...yes, this Bill here was witness to the entire HORRIFYING and most certainly TRAUMATIZING ORDEAL...
WITNESS: It... uh... wasn't that bad really.
GIDDY FENKLEMAN: I'm not finished. This TERRIFYING mutation of FLESH to CHIP had to have caused DEEP EMOTIONAL SCARRING while he watched...
WITNESS: I barely noticed actually. No one really did.
GIDDY FENKLEMAN: ... he was SICKENED while he barely noticed the change and definitely must have been filled with DISGUST...
WITNESS: No... not really. In fact. None of us noticed at all for a few hours. He was the same color, so we thought nothing of it. The only reason I even caught on was because I was getting REALLY hungry and I smelled Nacho Cheese drifting from his way.
GIDDY FENKLEMAN: A VILE RANCID Nacho Cheese...
WITNESS: No... smelled wonderful actually. So I went over to see if I could maybe borrow some munchies off this guy and that's when I noticed his head had become a giant Dorito.
GIDDY FENKLEMAN: A PUSS-FILLED, OOZING DORITO...
WITNESS: No... a quite normal Dorito actually, with the exception of it being huge and having eyes and a mouth. In fact, we talked a bit before it even occurred to me what had happened to him.
GIDDY FENKLEMAN: It.. you.. what?
WITNESS: I was talking to him for a good 15 minutes before noticing he had a giant Dorito for a head.
GIDDY FENKLEMAN: 15 minutes?
WITNESS: Yes, 15 minutes.
GIDDY FENKLEMAN: Before you realized he had a giant Dorito for a head?
WITNESS: Yes, before I realized that he had a giant Dorito for a head.
GIDDY FENKLEMAN: And what happened THEN???
WITNESS: I merely told him that his head was a giant Dorito.
GIDDY FENKLEMAN: And did he SCREAM, pushing people away in a fit of HOMICIDAL and SUICIDAL RAGE???
WITNESS: No... he merely shrugged and went back to tanning.
GIDDY FENKLEMAN: He SHRUGGED in a HOMICIDAL RAGE???
WITNESS: No... just shrugged. Like in a shrug kind of way. He didn't have any munchies and I was still starving so I hate to say that I did snap off a small piece of his head.
GIDDY FENKLEMAN: You.... (her hand goes to her mouth and she gags a little)
WITNESS: He was quite delicious...
GIDDY FENKLEMAN: This is Giddy Fenkleman LIVE at Kaching's where George Hamilton has turned into a DELICIOUS NACHO CHEESE DORITO, back to you Chuck.
And thank you Giddy for that insightful report. We have just learned that George Hamilton simply doesn't care that he has turned into a Human Dorito. In fact, he had already worked out a deal for television to star in the new reality show titled Cheesy Actors. 12 cheesy actors, one house, 3 months -- I can't wait to see what wackiness ensues.
This is Chuck Fickens, saying goodnight and remember. When you hear our news you know we're BSN.