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> Tangent #40: American Terminators
I was enjoying some T.V. time with the wife a few days back (which is our favorite activity since all it requires is for us to lay our lazy asses on our comfy couch, flap around a bit as we almost fall off since there is no room for TWO people laying down, then tangle our legs together into weird, impossible, non-human positions more complicated to get out of than a Chinese Puzzle Box and... shit... what was I talking about... this little tangent went way too long now and I forget what I was originally talking about... oh.. yeah)...

Where was I. Uh.. T.V. We were watching some of our favorite Monday Shows. First, the "American Gladiators" was on. Hurrah. It's back. A blast from the past, all roided up and ready to go for our amusement.

Then, "The Sarah Connor Chronicles" was up next for our viewing pleasure. Yes, the popular Terminator movies now have a television spin-off centered around (you guessed it) Sarah Connor who now I guess has a rather bad case of Chronicles. I think they have medication for that now. No Ah-nold Schwartzenegger in this by the way, but hey, the Guvnah a busy guy now.

Anyways, it STRUCK me. I had a GREAT idea for a new show. Are you ready??? Are you??? Someone call Mark Burnett, because I present to you:

American Terminator

Just THINK about the entertainment value of watching a giant metallic Cyborg sticking a pugel stick straight through a contestant's chest, ramming it so hard through him that it bursts through the dude's back.

I can just imagine now, Hulk Hogan interviewing the contestant afterwards:

HULK HOGAN: "Oh Brotha. That had to hurt. What do you think went wrong?"

[Camera pans down to contestant's twitching torso, ribs sticking out of giant sucking chest wound.]

CONTESTANT 1: ....................

HULK HOGAN: Allright Brotha. Good job.

CONTESTANT 1: ....................

HULK HOGAN: Great, our next contestant is a Yoga Instructor from Nebraska. His wife and three kids are in the audience to cheer him on. Come on out here Brotha!!!

CONTESTANT 2: Oh... Oh shit. He's... they killed him. He's dead. Holy crap... he's.. he's dead.

HULK HOGAN: Good for you Brotha... and next up for you is The ASSAULT. In this contest, the contestant... and that's you Brotha... has to try to hit the target above the Terminator's head. But this won't be an easy task Brotha. 'Cause the Terminator will be shooting a Nerf Gun firing Tennis Balls at the contestant. If the contestant gets hit, the game is OVER!

HULK HOGAN: Allright, lets get to it. Game ON!!!

[And down to the playing field. The contestant is all geared up and the Terminator stands on the high podium with the Nerf Gun.]

REFEREE: Is the Terminator READY?

TERMINATOR: Destroy... Destroy... Destroy... Destroy...

REFEREE: Is the Contestant READY?

CONTESTANT 2: I... I just crapped my pants... hell no.. I...

REFEREE: Then BEGIN!!!

[Whistle blows. Contestant screams like a girl and starts running for cover. Tennis balls start ricocheting everywhere as the contestant stumbles to get behind the first wall of cover. The contestant loads his own air gun that is mounted to the top of the flimsy boxes he is hiding behind and shoots a Nerf Arrow that bounces off the Terminator's head. Seeing how ineffective the Tennis Ball Nerf Gun has been, the Terminator pulls out the machine gun built into his leg and fires hundreds of rounds into the cardboard cover that the contestant was crouched behind, wimpering and crying in a pool of his own urine. As the smoke clears and the last bullet casing hits the ground, we hear...]

HULK HOGAN: Ooooh. Not good. You only get 2 points for making it to the first station.

CONTESTANT 2: ...guh... thhhhpp (blood shooting from his mouth).. ga.. ga.. huhhhuhhh....