I glared at it for a few minutes. It took a while for me to register what I was seeing... it... it... it was YouTube taunting me. YouTube was cruelly, horribly, maliciously, mercilessly, pitilessly, ruthlessly, hatefully, and malevolently MAKING FUN OF ME!!! YouTube was YouMocking me to my YouFace...
THIS... dear readers... is what I saw. (feel free to boo, hiss, spit and hurl words of a most fowl origin at the screen while viewing the following)
But... but how does YouTube know I have no friends. WAIT -- I have friends DAMMIT. How DARE YouTube insinuate that I don't have any friends. How the HELL does it know about my LIFE? Is it FOLLOWING me now?
Does it have a giant YouSatellite in the sky tracking my every move? Does it have all of my phones tapped to listen in on all my YouConversations I have? Is it looking at me through a free pair of super cheap YouBinoculars it picked up at a stripper club during a bachelor party -- not that you actually need them since the dancer's ass is aleady almost jammed onto your face like a hockey mask and if you use them THAT close you'll just be seeing internal organs which would make you vomit all the shots you... uh... what was I talking about. Hmmmm. Uh. YouTube. That... er... if YouTube was in the dancer bar... and... uh.. had NOTHING to do with that one night... uh... Nevermind. Back to the story.
I SCREAMED at YouTube; "You don't know ME!!! Who do you think you are? Look at you YOU!!! Well, aren't you just all high and mighty. Ooooooh, I'm the most popular video sharing website of all time. Oooooh, Google bought me for $1.65 Billion dollars. Oooooooh, I'm so pretty and my ample bossoms are perky and I'll never let you touch them. Well you don't know NOTHING about me!!! How DARE you say that... I got friends. I got friends OUT THE ASS!!!"
My hands flung into the air as I ran into the bathroom, slamming the door behind me. My wife found me laying on the floor by the toilet, sobbing to myself, with toilet paper wrapped around my head like a big stupid mummy. She wooed me out with some slices of Craft Cheddar Cheese, then sat me down in front of the t.v. and turned on The Muppet Movie until I felt better.
Well... ALLRIGHT... I'm lying. I didn't cry like a baby. In fact, it took me about two seconds to realize that this was some YouTube "YouFriends" blah blah that I had not set up yet. Oh well.
STILL!!! You think they could be a bit nicer in their content boxes. The LAST thing I need is a f*!king website giving me self esteem issues.
Everything is O.K. now. I have friends. Really, I do. I swear. Don't you want to be my friend too?