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> Tangent #34: ArtMock #1 - The Surprise, or The Master's Afterburn
Welcome everyone to the first official ArtMock. For those of you wondering what the heck a ArtMock is, click here and all your questions will be answered. Let us begin the viewing.

For all you aficionados of fine art, I give instead the Dine Fart!!!

I came across a copy of this painting while I was strolling aboots in an antique store with my wife and I just KNEW beyond ALL DOUBT that I was destined to make this the first ArtMock. It just screamed: "Please, oh PLEASE Droolerize me!!!"

So I did.

The Original: "The Surprise, or The Master's Return." by Evert Jon Boks

This is a copy of "The Surprise, or The Master's Return." from the painting by Evert Jon Boks. I really have no information on this painting. Just that he was a Dutch painter that was born in 1838 and he died in 1914, so I am assuming it was painted some time between... uh... 1838 through 1914. Unless there is some undead Evert Jan Zombie Boks running around still painting shit to this day. But I would say this is highly unlikely since he has quite a silly name.

I have no idea what is going on in this painting. People are freaking out, furniture is thrown around like a tornado ripped through the building, statues are wearing top hats and looking all dapper for no apparent reason, women are crawling on the ground with mouths agape but not getting paid by the hour.

It just makes no sense and DAMN IT... it's up to me to do something about this. So... after pondering for a good while it STRUCK me. The painting must not have been completed, so it is up to ME to finish what the Bokster was trying to say.

ArtMocked: "The Surprise, or The Master's Afterburn" by Evert Jon Maniac

And Wah-lah!!! With just the addition of a plume of FIRE spouting out of the guy's ass, it suddenly make all the sense in the world. The "Master" (who MUST have a big ego since his nickname is "The Master" for God's sake) must have eaten one too many Cabbage Broccoli and Bean Burritos*. Mixed with the fact that he must have been wearing his good flint and metal undergarments**, The Master must have caused quite the ruckus once his bowels erupted, throwing out a gas cloud larger then Mount Vesuvius in 79 A.D.

It ALL makes sense now:

  • His fiery explosions BLEW the furniture away
  • The people cower in fear and horror at his buttorial burnage
  • The girl in the background in holding the handkerchief over her nose because it STINKS!!!
  • The dog running in just wants to smell his ass -- dogs do that don'tcha know
  • The girl crouching on the ground is probably just looking for her contacts that must have blown off of her cornea during the wicked butt wind.
  • The guy*** and the girl in the foreground actually aren't holding each other for safety. They have literally been fused together due to the intense heat of the butt wind. This makes it tough for them in the future, since he was a professional left leg model and she was a prostitute. It all worked out in the end, they went on to travel with the sideshows and became quite popular as "The Amazing Man With A Chick For A Leg". They even married and had five children together, but it is a medical mystery how the pregnancies occurred. Ain't no position in the Kama Sutra or amount of double-jointedness that can fix that one unless he's Plastic Man or somethin'.
  • The statue in the back with top hat on isn't really a statue at all. The power of the anal blow turned him INSTANTLY to stone at the site (it has been proven that this occurs to 1 out of every 15 people that look at extreme butt leakage flames - if this condition runs in the family, please seek medical help. A prescription of Anti-flammatory drugs is typically used to lessen the occurrence of this FartStonization. Though not 100% effective, the user will see only a slight mineralization of the nipples at the site of butt-flame and their noses fall off).

* Quite popular in the 1800s. Sadly, they fell out of culinary graces sometime during the turn of the century along with pig bladder chalupas and donkey anus taco supremes.

** Which were quite popular with the gentleman back in those days. This is actually the cause of the popular phrase "Are there sparks flying out of your pants or are you just happy to see me."

*** Who strangely looks like Elvis. Coincidence or not? This may be the reason he wore those baggy disco pants.