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> Tangent #29: Peeping Tom and Buffalo Dick
Imagine my shock and surprise when I received my change after paying for a mighty tasty Double CheeseBurger and small fry for lunch (mmmmmmm -- de-lish!!! ) and finding THIS coin stuffed in with the rest of the jingling presidents.

I loooooked at it and loooooooked at it before it dawned on me that this must be one of the new designs for the nickel.

BUT WHY??? I ask -- WHY??? I liked the old nickel. What the hell was wrong with it? Nothing.

This design... it... it's just wrong I tell ya. Wrong... WRONG!!!

Look at Thomas Jefferson's head. He looks like he is evilly floating into the foreground like some kind of twisted Peeping Tom. This makes me feel like I should be in a horror movie, playing the part of the soon to be screaming and running for my life babysitter.

I'd be talking on the phone with my bestest friend (all gossiping, gigglin' and havin' fun), the kid's asleep upstair, all is well until the phone suddenly goes DEAD. I hear something outside. And when I look up, THERE... I see him in the WINDOW... THOMAS JEFFERSON barely peering through the thick evening darkness that surrounds the house... looking at me... wanting to KILL me... and he is probably PLAYING WITH HIMSELF while he is out there all peeping and plotting and doing whatever perve president's ponder before going on a killing rampage.

Now THIS is the FOUNDING FATHER OF FREAKING ME THE HELL OUT!!!

I can hear the bad one-liners for the movie already: (please say them in a spooky slighty German accent for no apparent reason)

  • Prepare to have your Declaration of Independence REVOKED!!!
  • You have a certain unalienable right... to DIE!!!
  • Never put off till to-morrow what you can CRUSH, KILL, and DESTROY to-day.
  • I believe in the separation of church and state. And the separation of YOUR HEAD from YOUR NECK!!!
  • ...the preservation of life, and liberty, and the pursuit of YOU!!!! (window smashes... chase begins)
  • The earth belongs to the living, not to the dead. Soon the earth shall not belong you YOU!!! YAARRGGHHHH!!!
  • Experience declares that man is the only animal which devours his own kind. Do have any ketchup? Munch Munch Munch (as he gnaws on your leg).

Ah yes, but I digress. You get my point... don't you?

Now we come to the OTHER side of the coin. FLIP!!!

Here is something interesting. It's a bison. Hmmm. Bison sure are fun. Harks back to the good old days with the Buffalo Nickel. But WAIT... what is THAT hanging between his big beefy bisony legs?

I have shown many, many, many people this and we ALL have came to one unanimous conclusion:

It looks like his Big Bison DICK is just hanging out there!!!

My crew and I have gone over this and over this but there can be NO other possibility. It does not look like miscellaneous gut hair, it does not look like a thong bikini. It LOOKS like his Fellow American is flappin' in the wind.

Now if THAT doesn't scream U.S.A., I don't know what does. I would have made the balls bigger though. Give him BIG BALLS. Like... holy crap we need a wheel barrel to move those suckers around because of the enormous size kind of balls. That would be true Americana there. I could definitely see Norman Rockwell painting THAT up.

So that... dear readers... is the story of the Peeping Tom and Buffalo Dick.