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> Tangent #27: Girl Scout Wookies


My wife was talking on the phone with her mother today and during the conversation I suddenly heard wifey SCREAM at the top of her lungs. This was not a exclamation of horror. It was more along the lines of a quick interjection of sheer joy. Now I NEVER hear that from my wife except for the following occasions.
  1. There is a super cute baby animal on t.v. that makes her giggle like she has been smoking an entire garbage bag of the wacky weed.
  2. She has just received one of her People/Us/In Touch/Star Entertainment magazines in the mail. God knows, we can't miss ANY updated information concerning Anna Nicole Smith or Britney Spears' bald........... head -- I was gonna say head -- I swear.
  3. There is a new episode of CSI or Law And Order almost on (see Tangent #11: CSI Don't Know Why I Watch This Crap).
But I was wrong... so wrong. She comes running down the stairs and yells:

"We MUST go to Mom's house NOW!!! Get your car keys. We're going NOW!!!"

I started to PANIC. Maybe there WAS something wrong. What was going on? I looked at her and before I could say anything, she belted out:

"The Girl Scout cookies are here. Mom bought me Girl Scout cookies -- I love Mom -- I love the cookies -- I love them soooo much ----- Hoooooooraayyyyyy!!!!"

And while she was yelling this: her legs began to tremble, her eyes began to twitch, her speech began to slur, she began sweating profusely, and I believe she may have piddled a bit on herself. For you see... my wife is a GIRL SCOUT COOKIE ADDICT.

So... I had to drop everything I was doing so we could rush over to pick up her Thin Mints. To my wife, Thin Mints are Crack masked behind chocolatey goodness. If she could figure out how to freebase Thin Mints... she would. Just remember what Whitney Houston said, "Thin Mints is WACK!!!".

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While I was watching my wife eating like a rabid animal, I started to wonder: What would it be like if there were Girl Scout Wookies instead. You know... WOOKIES. That hairy dude from Star Wars was a Wookie (no.. not Harrison Ford). Screw the cookies... give me the Wookies.

I wonder... what would that be like... hmmmm... wondering....



With awesome cookie flavors like:


Sugar Free Little Brownies
Made from REAL little teeny-weeny magical Brownies that live in your house and helps with your chores while you sleep. These little pixy elf fairies are real. I swear. And their heads taste like chocolate chips. Save up the UPCs from the boxes, and collect as many Brownie Points as you can. Save enough Brownie Points, and we'll send you a free life-size butt to kiss.


Cafe' Cookies
Made from the remnants of actual Brick, Mortar, Concrete, and Steel of old European Cafe's. You may be suprised by the subtle taste of French Waiter in there as well. Mmmm. Tasty.


Thin Lints
Made from the nasty balls of lint that you scrape off the lint screen from the washer. Mix in some blanket lint, pocket lint, and belly button lint, and you gots yourself a tasty snack.


Samoans
Actually made from swarthy Polynesian islanders. Do you smell what the Rock is cookin'? If you do, then you know he's cookin' up his own people to feed to YOU!!!




Trefoils
We tried to misspell the name to confuse you, but really you are eating crunched up TREE and bits of FOIL. Your mouth might get a little bloody from chewing on it, but... well... the woody fibers sort of patch up the sections of flesh in your cheeks and throat that the foil scrapes off. Tastes horrible. Wouldn't recommend it unless you are a Beaver that likes the pretty glint of shiny metal.


Tagalongs
Made from the finest younger siblings and annoying friends that won't go away and DON'T get the HINT.




Dont-See-Donts
A mixture of monkey feces, old boogers scraped from the underneath of grade school desks, and pre-digested peanuts. What is in a NAME? Well, just about everything if you ask me.




All Abouts
Absolutely inedible. This should NOT be eaten. May be used as cup coasters, gun targets, paperweights, pet rocks, ancient egyptian writing tablets, or you can just throw them at homeless people and laugh.