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> Tangent #20: This doesn't taste like MEAT!!!
True story here. Just a few days ago, I was working at work (because that is what you are supposed to DO at work unless the boss is not around - then you don't). After sitting in front of my computer for about 8 hours straight of coding-coding-coding, I suddenly became all peckish and hungry-like. My stomach was growling, the coffee in my cup had turned ice cold, and the horrible micro-meal crap that I had for lunch had already been digested and gone to meet with the Great Sewer God hour ago.

I needed food and NOW!!! Luckily, we have a little kitchen in our office that is kept filled with all sorts of goodies for us to eat. I knew what I yearned for... I KNEW what I MUST have. Beef Jerky Balls. Beef Jerky Balls are amazing. I never knew that they existed until I went sifting through the cupboard one day and there they were. It is... how can I say... a gift from the heavens. It is beef jerky... BUT IN BALL FORM. Little bite size bits of beef. If I could convince my wife to just have these babies for dinner, I would have it set (since there would be no cooking involved).


So... back to me being hungry.

I was hungry. I shuffled my way into the kitchen, my brain still slothing around in Code-Mode. Reality was ablur, everything still numbers and typing (twitch), numbers and typing (twitch twitch), numbers and typing (twitch twitch twitch).

I opened the cupboard. Upon seeing the bag that had "Beef Jerky Balls" written on it in a meaty font, my mouth instantly began watering and I tore into the bag with a vengence. My hand grabbed a bunch of those beautiful beefy balls and I immediately started stuffing my mouth without even looking at them; Code-Mode still degrading reality to mush.

Suddenly, I noticed a strange taste in my mouth that was definitely NOT meaty goodness. I pulled at a weird plastic "thing" that had been hidden in my beefy balls and was now resting between my teeth with me merrily chewing on it.

I looked at it oddly, trying to comprehend what was going on. I was holding in my hand one of those strange "freshness" packs things that I have seen from time to time. These things just seem ominous and sinister. Something about them just CREEPS ME THE HELL OUT. I believe that I suffer from a horrible case of FreshnessPackAPhobia: He Who Lives In Dire Dread of Accidentally Eating A Freshness Pack.

I just started spitting... horror of horrors, I have eaten a pack of DEATH. I mean READ IT!!! It says clearly on the label "DO NOT EAT". Oh no... panic setting in... should I call 911 or a Poison Hotline. I can visualize the conversation going something like:

POISON HOTLINE OPERATOR (PHO for short):
Poison Hotline... how may I assist you?
ME:
Oh my GOD... I... oh no... I... I ATE... oh...
PHO:
Calm down sir. Take a short breath. What seems to be the problem? I am sure everything is going to be O.K.
[ A moment goes by as I try to compose myself. ]
ME:
I... I accidentally ate one of those freshness packs. It was hidden in my Beefy Balls.
PHO:
Oooooh. Not good. I hope you have a will written, 'cause your fucked buddy. Have a nice day and please call again (click).
ME:
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!
[ The phone drops to the floor as my body suddenly turns all mummy-like as every ounce of moisture in my body is sucked away. ]
I mean... LOOK AT IT. It says Oxygen Absorber. It's bad enough that it will suck away my moisture, but it is going to absorb my oxygen as well. Not good. I like my oxygen. I really, really, really do. Why does something like this even EXIST let alone stuffed in a bag of tasty meat treats.

And it's AGELESS. Anything that is AGELESS just HAS to be EVIL!!! What the hell is AGELESS? Everything ages. Are they trying to tell me that this freshness pack is IMMORTAL? This pack exists beyond the realm of the space/time continuum? The seas will dry up, the sun will snuff out, but the freshness pack will live on?

All this ran through my mind... well... for about two seconds. Then I laughed at the stupid graphic on it that looked like a mongoloid blob creature eating a cracker. Giggling to myself, I went back to work (twitch twitch).

Damn fresh packs. They should make an UNFRESH pack. Now that... would probably be a really stupid idea.