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> Tangent #17: Stupid Products - Yoga Booty Ballet
Place: My Tiny Apartment

Time: Sunday Morning

Temperature Outside: Colder than a Witch's Teat

Why Isn't it called a Witch's Boob: I don't know. Teat is a bit Old English if you ask me. You never see signs at a rock concert that say "Show Us Your Teats" and never once have I ever heard a drunk guy at a bar say "Hey... check her out. She's got a great pair of Teats." When I think "Teats", I think of a line of cows lined up getting milked by a huge automated machine. When I hear, "Witches Teats", I unfortunately think of a line of old, nasty, hairy-moled, green women bent over, in a line, getting milked by a huge automated machine. Makes me want to never drink Skim Milk again. But, if it works, it works. As a Wise Man once said to me (or was it a Smart Ass), "Don't mess with a Teat if it ain't broke".

What Am I Doing: Sifting through all of the Advertisements that come stuffed in the Sunday Edition of the local newspaper.

What Am I Looking For: Cool computer stuff from Best Buy and sexy Bra Ads that show off the model's Teats (don't tell my wife - I tell her I'm looking for clothes that will look awesome ON her - not clothes that would look awesome OFF the girls modelling them).

What Is In My Hand: A mug with the Tazmanian Devil on it filled with coffee goodness.

What Am I Eating: Some toast with butter smeared all over it and little shrunken balls of greasy meat the used to be Bacon before my wife started cooking it.

What Do I Smell: A mixture of burnt toast and burnt bacon.

What Is The Point Of All This: Allright already. I'll cut to the chase. I was sifting through the advertisements and came across a super cheesy ad from one of the convenience/drive-thru pharmacy/super-stupid-items-that-no-one-really-buys stores. If you get the Sunday paper, then you know the kind of ads I mean. These are the stores filled with the super cheap crap that you openly mock, but secretly want.

Anyhoo, so I was quickly flinging the pages around because the pretty colors excite me, when I suddenly came across what may be one of the stupidest sounding Work Out Systems that I have ever heard.

So... DRUM ROLL PLEASE... bring forth the cheerleaders and dancing monkeys... ladies and gentleman.. boys and girls of all race, color, and Creed. Here is the very first STUPID PRODUCTS addition to the site. Are you ready? Is the suspense killing you? Are my questions annoying you?

Yoga Booty Ballet: Complete Workout System
Oh my Holy Crap, who came up with THIS title?

It says right on the package "As Seen On TV", but I can't say that I ever saw it on TV. If I did, it may have been on the SciFi channel and I just thought it was another crappy horror movie they made (along the lines of Mansquito or Alien Express starring Lou Diamond Phillips). What ever could this be and WHY? Let us look closer shall we. Hmmm.

Yoga is "a Hindu theistic philosophy teaching the suppression of all activity of body, mind, and will in order that the self may realize its distinction from them and attain liberation" (straight from Merriam Webster).

Booty is a sweetly rounded posterior (see Ass or Junk In The Trunk) of a women that is sexually attractive to male's who like the big ayass OR a pirate's hidden treasure OR a pirate with a large ass that is sexually attractive to males OR a large assed pirate woman with a lot of bling bling buried in a treasure box in the back yard of her Section 8 housing complex.

Ballet is an artistic, beautiful, theatrical dance form consisting of girls wearing silly pink tutus, men with large packages in super tight tights, and something to do with nutcrackers (uh... I think this may have something to with the tightness of the tight tights).

So... I guess that Yoga Booty Ballet is... um.. A Hindu theistic philosophy teaching well-blinged pirates with big asses the realization of self and attainment of liberation through having their testicles jammed up their own booties due to the overly snugness of the large pink underwear they are forced to prance about in.

Yeah, I'd scream "Aaaarghhhh" too if I was forced to gaily strut around with me boys shoved up me bum.

Not Cool!!!

I could see making something like, Yoda Booty Bimboes. A mix of Jedi Mind Tricks, Big Asses, and... well.. Bimboes. THAT is cool. I'd DEFINITELY like to see THAT on TV. Does anyone know the number for the "Girls Gone Wild" guy. I'd bet that HE would be interested in it. Call Me.