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> Tangent #13: Get Me Some Coffee
I was up WAY too early in the morning one Sunday (did you know that life exists BEFORE 1 p.m. on a Sunday) and I needed some coffee goodness to perk me up. I was in the car with my wife and as we pulled up into the nearest gas station/quik-e convenience shop/state liquor store/subway restaurant/lottery retailer/nicotinemart we had the following conversation:
DM = Drooling ManiacMrs. M = Mrs. Maniac
[Mrs. Maniac is about halfway out of the car going in to pay for gas and get a yummy beef jerky for herself. I am still in the driver's seat, drooling on myself while trying to find the strength to open the door and get my lazy ass out to the pump]
DM:
Hey.
Mrs. M:
Uh.. What?
DM:
Can you get me a coffee while you're in there?
Mrs. M:
Sure. Uh, what do you want in your coffee?
[A smile creeps up on my face]
DM:
I likes my coffee like I likes my women.
Mrs. M:
Oh boy. And how's that? (sneer)
DM:
WITH BOOBS!!!
Mrs. M:
God, your so immature.
DM:
Don't forget...
Mrs. M:
Whatever. (door slam)
[And then I start laughing my ass off because I think it is the funniest thing I ever heard. I amuse myself. No one else really. Just mainly myself.]

Then, I started thinking... what if OTHER people would have this conversation. How would it go... I wonder... I wonder...

Donald Trump:
I likes my coffee like I likes my women.
Mrs. M:
Oh boy. And how's that? (sneer)
Donald Trump:
Attractive yet shallow enough to join the highest rated beauty pageant "Miss America" (Watch it Monday, January 29 at 8/7 Central on CMT, LIVE from Planet Hollywood resort and casino) owned by yours truly, Donald Trump. And then have a chance to make even more money by branding her image and putting her on everything from magazine covers to a box of Wheaties. Rosie O'Donnell is a fat cow. Watch the Apprentice (Sundays 9/8 Central PM on NBC). You're FIRED. I'm the Donald.
Mrs. M:
Well, Donald THIS!!! (sneer and slam)
Neil Patrick Harris "Doogie Howser, MD":
I likes my coffee like I likes my women.
Mrs. M:
Oh boy. And how's that? (sneer)
Neil Patrick Harris "Doogie Howser, MD":
I don't. I'm a very content gay man living my life to the fullest and feel most fortunate to be working with wonderful people in the business I love.
Mrs. M:
Wow, didn't see that one coming a mile away. (sneer)
Jeffrey Dahmer:
I likes my coffee like I likes my women.
Mrs. M:
Oh boy. And how's that? (sneer)
Jeffrey Dahmer:
With ketchup.
Mrs. M:
Stop... chewing on me. (sneer)
President George W. Bush :
I likes my coffee like I likes my women.
Mrs. M:
Oh boy. And how's that? (sneer)
President George W. Bush:
Uh... where am I? Hehe. Uh. Uh. I sure do like puppy dogs. They make me smile with their little waggily puppy dog.. whats that called uh... snails. I have to go to the bathroom.
Mrs. M:
How many more years until the next election (sneer)