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> Tangent #8: Look What I Can Do!
I think Jesus would have been a kick-ass life guard.
JC = JesusDD = Drowning DudeOL = Onlooker (Hot Chick with Big Boobs)
Our story begins on a beach. A beach filled with only the beautiful people and where the sun shines all day and night (confusing the hell out of bats, owls, and vampires). The sound of soothing waves can be heard over the murmur of swimmers and sunbathers. SUDDENLY, there is a SCREAM!!!
OL:
SCREAM!!!!!
There is a women on the beach wearing very little to cover her big bossoms that bounce every time she screams. She is pointing to water where a man is waving his arms in an attempt to get help while he is slowly sinking underwater.
DD:
Help... gurgle... gurgle... I'm... drowning... I'm... gurgle...
OL:
Oh My GOD!!! What would Jesus DO???
JC:
Did someone call may name?
[ Camera zooms over to beach to focus on a figure in the distance ]
Jesus is running towards the crowd, slow-mo, hair flying in the wind, with Baywatch music blaring from the boombox he is carrying in his left hand while giving the peace sign with the other (which is actually rather difficult while running slo-mo).
JC:
Worry not, for I... the Son of God... am here to save the day.
Everybody on Beach:
Yay. Jesus can save him. Jesus can do anything.
DD:
Gurgle... gurgle... yay... gurgle...
JC:
Now everybody stand back. It's MIRACLE TIME. Hmmmm... thinking... thinking... got IT!!!
The crowd hushes and backly stands while Jesus scratches his head a bit, does the "Eureka, I got it." point in the air, slams his palms together above his head and yells to the heavens.
JC: (Rapping)
Hey there guy, you'll be just fine.
Gonna turn this water into wine.
Doesn't matter if its white or red.
Just as long as you're not dead.
SHAZAM!!!
With a burst of lightning from his hands, the ocean turns burgundy as it is miraculously changed into a fine Cabernet Sauvignon.
JC:
Ta-DAAAAAH!!!
EVERYBODY:
Hooo-ray, our HERO!!!
DD:
I'm drowning... gurgle... I'm... oooh...

Red wine... it's wine... Jesus turned the ocean into wine.
It's a MIRACLE.

Gurgle... gurgle... I'm drowning... gurgle... wine... gurgle... in wine...thhhhhppp...
The crowd goes silent as they watch the poor fellow slip below the waves of alcoholic goodness.
JC:
Oooooh. Not good. Yeah. Forgot about the whole "Walking On Water" thing. Yeah, probably would have worked a bit better. Yeah.... would have...uh...

Hey would you... uh... look at the time... wow... gotta... got that place I gotta go to with that guy to do.. uh.. that thing.

Hey look, Tommy Lee's making another home movie.
Jesus points behind them. They all turn, see noone, then turn around again to see Jesus running away (in slo-mo).