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> Pit Stop
Pronunciation: Piht Stahp
Function: Noun
1: This is the act of sticking your fingers into your armpits, waiting for approximately 2 to 3 seconds, then withdrawing the fingers to sniff to make certain that you had not forgotten to put on your deodorant.

This is a process that I go through almost every morning. When I wake up, I am quite out of it. Not just a little out of it... no... we're talking COMPLETELY OUT OF IT. Totally gone, gone, and GONE!!!

When I awake from my slumber, I may look and sound like I am functioning like a normal human being, but my ability of retaining ANY short-term memory has disappeared almost completely. I have, by all scientific standards, turned into a giant retarded apeboy. This state of mind typically lasts until I have consumed 2 to 3 cups of coffee OR it may well last the entirety of the day depending on my lack of any or all motivation to get anything accomplished at all.

Often, I will be taking a shower after stumbling out of bed and will completely forget if I have washed my hair, though I had just washed it a few seconds ago OR I am right in the MIDDLE of washing but had forgotten WHAT the hell I was doing or exactly WHERE I was and WHY I was soaking wet. After looking around perplexed like a drunk monkey, I would then simply mutter, wash my hair for the 5th time and continue singing horrendous versions of '80s tunes at the top of my voice while belching.

This back and forth process of washing, forgetting, singing, washing again, forgetting again, singing even LOUDER usually continues until the neighbor in the apartment next to me begins to bang on the paper-thin bathroom walls that barely separates us.

After turning off the water, I would then begin hacking and coughing like I had just smoked 3 cartons of Newport Menthol 100's all at once (though I have not smoked in years... go figure). After the hack attack subsides, I generally bumble my way out of the shower and somehow manage to wrestle on my clothes, somehow brush my teeth without accidentally sticking the toothbrush into my eye, and then shave.

FINALLY... I am done. I feel lazy and want to go back to bed, but I KNOW that I MUST get my ass out the door to go to work.

It is at THIS moment, after everything is done and I'm lookin' good, that I suddenly realize that I had TOTALLY FORGOTTEN IF I HAD PUT ON DEODORANT!!!

Looking around embarrassed, though I am the only one in the bathroom, I silently sneak my fingers into my sleaves, twiddle around a bit, and pull them back for the sniff test.

All it takes is one quick whiff and I know... about 98% of the time, I had INDEED put my deodorant on and in my woozy state has just forgotten that I had already lubed the pits up before dressing.

The other 2% of the time I am not so pleasantly surprised. Then I have to awkwardly attempt to stuff my deodorant into, through, up and around my shirt sleaves and lather my pits up since I am WAY TOO LAZY to take my shirt off by this time.

Mind you, you can do the Pit Stop at ANY time. The farther you are into the day, the more hellacious it can become. Best to test when no one is looking. Especially if you are in the middle of cooking dinner or are sitting in a meeting with a ton of people (who are all waiting for everyone else to look away as well so they too can do a quick Pit Stop).