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> Pan-to-mime
Pronunciation: Pahn-TOO-Myme
Function: Beatdown Term
1: There is nothing more annoying in this world than mimes (except maybe drunk clowns that crap their pants and throw up on the children). After years of deep thought and reflection on these underlying feelings of rage towards those who decide to follow the career choice of becoming mute albinos, I still have not figured out WHY they annoy me so much.

No matter how grand and great of a mood I may be in at the time, if I happen to come across a mime bouncing about in his (or her) make-believe world that makes NO sense to ANYONE involved, I just want to PUNCH... soooo... bad...

While they "Walk Against The Wind", I just yearn for them to "Walk Against My Fist" over and over and over again.

Because of this, I came up with the concept of the Pan-to-mime. While the word "Pantomime" (sounds like Pan-toe-mime) actually means the act of conveying stories with ones body and no words -- which the mime is soooo desperately attempting to do, the word Pan-to-mime merely stands for what 99.6% of the sane population of the Earth wants to DO to the mime...

...which is...

To take a PAN TO the MIME's stupid head and keep beating and beating and beating until they start screaming bloody murder. Mind you, this may take a while if the mime is hardcore into the mime no-talking thing OR if the mime is indeed actually mute. In THAT case, the Pan-to-mime beating may well take a full evening of your time and you may have to take small breaks or perhaps have someone fill in for you while you take a nap to rejuvenate your strength. Nothing better in the morning than a good mime pummeling. Great workout for the arms and upper torso as well.

Here are some reasons why I hate mimes:

  • They look like retarded groupies of KISS that were just tooooo damn lazy to finish up a decent Gene Simmon's "Demon" make-up job. Not even a Paul Stanley "Starchild". I mean. How hard would it be just to finish up at the very least a Peter Criss "Catman". C'mon. Shit, I'd watch a mime then if they came out in big old leather dragon boots and spitting blood in the air.
  • I get mad because I think it's GEISHA time. But instead of being an extremely hot oriental girl dancing for my amusement, it ends up being a stinky fat french man who hasn't bathed in a month pretending to be a monkey and eating "make-believe" grubs(???) out of people's hair.
  • They HIDE behind their make-up. WHY, I ask... WHY??? What foul visage of horror must lay behind the caked-on white crap. Much like the Phantom Of The Opera, their mutated burned filthy faces must be hidden from the people behind masks of white. Damn you mutant mime hellbeasts... DAMN YOU BACK TO HELLLLLL!!!!! YOU DO NOT FOOL ME!!!!!!!
  • Why can't they get real jobs instead of hanging around parks, subway stations, and side walks? Shit, McDonalds is ALWAYS hiring. Although, mimes probably would not be very good working the Drive-Thru Window.
MIME WORKING A DRIVE-THRU AT MCDONALDS:
[ Hungry Fred drives up to the Drive Thru speaker. ]
Hungry Fred:
Hi, I would like 2 Double Cheeseburgers, a Big Mac, 3 orders of Large Chicken McNugs, 2 Supersized Fries, a McLard Smoothy Gallon Chug and a Side Salad 'cause my doctor said I have to start eating healthier.
MIME DRIVE-THRU WORKER: (speaker clicks on)
....................
Hungry Fred:
Hello!?!
MIME DRIVE-THRU WORKER: (speaker clicks on)
....................
Hungry Fred:
Is... Is anybody there?
MIME DRIVE-THRU WORKER: (speaker clicks on)
....................
Hungry Fred:
Hello!?!
MIME DRIVE-THRU WORKER: (speaker clicks on)
....................
Hungry Fred:
I can't hear you. Can... uh... you speak up a bit louder please.
MIME DRIVE-THRU WORKER: (speaker clicks on)
....................
Hungry Fred:
I uh... I still can't hear you. Is there something wrong with the speaker? Do you want me to pull up or something?
MIME DRIVE-THRU WORKER: (speaker clicks on)
....................
Hungry Fred:
I'm REALLY hungry... hello... can you repeat my order... uh...
MIME DRIVE-THRU WORKER: (speaker clicks on)
....................
Hungry Fred:
WHY... WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME??? GOD IN HEAVEN, WHY?!?!?!?!?! JUST TALK TO ME, PLEASE IF THERE IS A GOD IN HEAVEN, JUST TALK TO ME???
MIME DRIVE-THRU WORKER: (speaker clicks on)
....................

[ Sound of a gunshot as poor Hungry Fred ends his own life. Another pour soul on an express train to hell because of MIMES!!! ]