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> Corn Count
Pronunciation: Kornuh Cownttt
Function: Noun
1: The Corn Count pertains to the act of calculating the sum of individual undigested corn pieces (see Poopcorn) found in one's bowel movement. While typically unused in normal day-to-day dumpage, it is a key feature of those bathroom bowel blowouts after particularly heavy consumption of either canned corn, bags of frozen corn, baby corn, creamed corn (chunky style) or gnawing the corn straight off the cob.

Let it be known that ingesting Candy Corn will have NO EFFECT on the Corn Count since it is in reality not Corn at all. Along the same lines, cooking up and snacking on any of the members of Korn (especially James "Munky" Shaffer) also has no effect on the Corn Count and may just leave you with a nasty case of the runs and the desire to grow rather stanky looking Dreadlocks*.

The best way to start your own Corn Count is as follows:
  1. Go to any Super Bulk Warehouse Club Giganto Store in your area and buy the biggest damn can of corn that you can find.
  2. Open the can.
  3. Cook the corn.
  4. Eat the ENTIRE can yourself. No puking. No hiding it in the couch when your wife isn't looking. No feeding it to the cat until it explodes. Eat it ALL!!!
  5. Sit back and wait for the anal fireworks to begin.
  6. Get out the calculator and start counting... counting... counting...
Patience is the key. Do not expect instant gratification. It may well take a day for those buggers to work through your system. And when they do -- THE PARTY BEGINS.

The Corn Count can be traced throughout history all the way back to the Caveman Days. The "Caveman Days" being a hillbilly Bar 'N Grill right in the middle of nowhere West Virginia ofcourse. It was here that, due to the lack of anything better to do, the practice of the Corn Count took off like wildfire.

Ancient scrolls (of toilet paper) have foretold of the coming of the most holy Kernel Of Truth. This is no ordinary digested corn nugget. It will be the World's Perfect Corn Poo and upon it's creation, the Glowing Yellow Kernel will float upon high and rule the planet with love and compassion. War will become a forgotten nuisance, hate will cease to exist, and hunger will be no more. A Golden Age will occur and humanity will raise to a new level.

One such Kernel popped out of a Mr. John Garble from Miami, Florida on January 3rd, 1986. Unfortunately, it was flushed before any ascension could begin. So... the world must wait for the second coming.

* Not to be confused with the Morlocks from H. G. Wells' "Time Machine". I mean -- REALLY -- who would want nasty white subterranean inhabitants from the 8028th century dangling off their heads. They'd always need to be fed, you could never take them out into the sun without them screaming up a storm, and no matter how much conditioner you use, you can NEVER get out the tangles.
Proper Usage:
[ Actual conversation between me and my wife after I ate an entire can of corn. She hates corn. Me... I LOVES it. ]
ME:
Oh.. Oh... Lord. Man, I have to go to the bathroo... Oh (clutching stomach) shiiit...

[ Sounds of my feet racing up the stairs, hurling myself at the toilet while tossing my pants off at the same time. I hit the mark and bedlam ensues. ]
ME:
Holy mother of... Oh... OH...OHHHH... Ahhhhhh....
MY WIFE:
Are you O.K. up there?
ME:
Yeah, I just had to go reallll bad. Man, I thought I almost shit my pants. Oh My GOD.. 24 HONEY.... 24!!!
MY WIFE:
24? What the hell are you talking about?
ME:
The Corn Count.
MY WIFE:
You are just SICK!!! What the hell is wrong with you? Uuuh. Nyuuuu.. Uuuuh... (sounds of her wretching at the thought of it all).