Let it be known that ingesting Candy Corn will have NO EFFECT on the Corn Count since it is in reality not Corn at all. Along the same lines, cooking up and snacking on any of the members of Korn (especially James "Munky" Shaffer) also has no effect on the Corn Count and may just leave you with a nasty case of the runs and the desire to grow rather stanky looking Dreadlocks*.The best way to start your own Corn Count is as follows:
- Go to any Super Bulk Warehouse Club Giganto Store in your area and buy the biggest damn can of corn that you can find.
- Open the can.
- Cook the corn.
- Eat the ENTIRE can yourself. No puking. No hiding it in the couch when your wife isn't looking. No feeding it to the cat until it explodes. Eat it ALL!!!
- Sit back and wait for the anal fireworks to begin.
- Get out the calculator and start counting... counting... counting...
The Corn Count can be traced throughout history all the way back to the Caveman Days. The "Caveman Days" being a hillbilly Bar 'N Grill right in the middle of nowhere West Virginia ofcourse. It was here that, due to the lack of anything better to do, the practice of the Corn Count took off like wildfire.
Ancient scrolls (of toilet paper) have foretold of the coming of the most holy Kernel Of Truth. This is no ordinary digested corn nugget. It will be the World's Perfect Corn Poo and upon it's creation, the Glowing Yellow Kernel will float upon high and rule the planet with love and compassion. War will become a forgotten nuisance, hate will cease to exist, and hunger will be no more. A Golden Age will occur and humanity will raise to a new level.
One such Kernel popped out of a Mr. John Garble from Miami, Florida on January 3rd, 1986. Unfortunately, it was flushed before any ascension could begin. So... the world must wait for the second coming.
[ Sounds of my feet racing up the stairs, hurling myself at the toilet while tossing my pants off at the same time. I hit the mark and bedlam ensues. ]