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> Cattard
Pronunciation: Kat-Tard
Function: Noun
1: An amazingly stupid cat.
2: A cat that shows all signs and symptoms of being severely mentally retarded. The Cattard has the intellectual and emotional development of a used plastic spatula.

How can you tell if your cat is a truly a Cattard? Run through the following questions. If you answer any of them with a yes, then there is a good likelihood that your cat may indeed be inflicted what a horrible case of the stupids.
  1. Does your cat scoot around on it's ass after taking a shit even though you left it a roll of toilet paper next to the kitty litter to use?
  2. Does your cat burp louder than you do?
  3. Does your cat eat the tinsel off the Christmas Tree?
  4. Does your cat have tinsel coming out of it's ass when it farts after eating it off the Christmas Tree?
  5. Does your cat get stoned off of catnip and then attempts to eat all the fur off its fat-ass belly because it's having a Bad Trip!?!?
  6. Does your cat sit there and stare at you for HOURS and HOURS? No blinking. Just staring at you and freaking you the HELL OUT!!!
  7. Does your cat attempt to plot your untimely demise by getting under your feet while you are walking down the stairs at night? Then it hisses at YOU when you accidentally step on it even though the damn cat got UNDER YOUR FEET as you were coming down the stairs in the first place?
  8. Does your cat make a funny sound as you punt it across the room and right into the wall after you almost step on it and it hisses at you?
  9. Does your cat get it's head stuck in a kleenex box? Then it slowly suffocates to death as everybody in the room laughs and laughs and laughs.
  10. Does your cat believe that it wasn't adopted?
  11. Does your cat get confused when you dress it up like Elton John and then refuses to play the little piano you paid GOOD MONEY for. C'mon. The cat just SITS there with it's giant glasses and feathery hat looking at you like "Duhhhhhhh.... what do I do with this thing?"
  12. Does your cat collect all the round milk rings because it thinks it is going to make a bitchin' chainmail shirt out of them one day. You know... the cool chainmail shirts like Sebastian Bach and other heavy metal dudes used to wear? Yeah... kitty wants to ROCK OUT!!!
  13. Does your cat suck at Jeopardy even though it is the TEEN edition?
  14. Does your cat like Country Music?
  15. Does your cat wait until the last minute to do taxes?
  16. Does your cat smoke cigarettes in the house no matter how many times you tell it to go outside to do that?
  17. Does your cat think that Britney Spears is actually a good singer and should be given a second chance to redeem herself because everybody loves seeing people come back from the edge?
  18. Does your cat only know the first 6 digits of Pi?
Proper Usage:
"I was having the best sleep of my life until that God Damn Cattard started clawing my forehead because it wanted fed. "